Saturday night. Be very afraid.
I’ve lost track of how many years we’ve played this party but I know a Bush was President. I’ve seen a metric ton of halloween parties and I can’t think of any annual Halloween party that holds a creepy candelabra to this one. The clocks also fall back an hour, so buckle up party people, cuz we have an extra hour to make sure every wheel comes off.
This blog is mostly for people who have either never been to 115 Bourbon Street on Halloween or never been to Bourbon at all. For starters, the place is plenty bigger than Nicki Minaj’s ass. I’m pretty sure back in the day it used to be a Handy Andy. There is so much shit going on it’s almost hard to get your bearings straight, especially if you’re mainlining liquor, like E V E R Y person there does.
And I’m not even talking about their halloween party yet. That’s just the average weekend night at Bourbon. So about the party…The most important thing you need to know is don’t show up at 10:00 thinking you’ll moonwalk right in. People down south take this shit seriously so get there early. If you get stuck in the line, just remind yourself there’s NOTHING else going on within black cat swinging distance. It’s worth it. Mix some distilled love into a Big Gulp cup to keep you busy. Because that’s what everyone else will be doing. Besides, the line is almost as entertaining as what’s going on inside…provided it’s not raining, snowing, sleeting or some other bullshit that tends to fall from the Chicago sky this time of year.
Bourbon goes all out for this party and so do the 2000+ people (check out the costumes!) hoping to win the trip for two to Mexico or one of the phat cash runner up prizes ($1000 for 2nd, $500 for 3rd, $100 gift cards for 4th & 5th and $50 gift cards for 6th-10th places). The costumes range from original to lame, hysterical to insensitive, smokin’ hot to “wow you really shouldn’t wear that”. You will see it all. Here’s a video preview.
Too White Crew will be in the big room, performing up until the costume contest starts, then DJ Shawn Edwards takes over. Dick Diamond and the Dusters will be on front stage and Suburban Cowboys will be in the Fireball Saloon. All other acts are hallucinations.
AND it’s on a SATURDAY this year? This one’s gonna leave a Marky Mark.
We’ve brought in a new Fly Girl and she needs a name. Currently she goes by Kristen, but not for long. Because you’re gonna come up with her new name. What’s in it for you? A fresh pack of unopened “Yo! MTV Raps” cards from 1991, a “Got Back?” wife beater – both shipped directly to your crib…and mad bragging rights. She joins our Fly Girl lineup of: Juicebox, Hot Wheelz, Vitamin V, Lemon Drop and KitKat.
So here she is. You can either submit her name as a comment to this blog post or as a comment on the Facebook post. We’ll announce the winner on our Faceboook page. Ready, set, go.
After many years of doing shows almost every weekend and processing hundreds of FUBAR-fueled stories of bad decisions, we have recently taken some of our time on the road to put together this handy guide to pulling out of a death spiral stemming from a night of irresponsible drinking.
This is Bender Damage Control 101 in the age of social media. Pay attention people:
1. Before you even get out of bed, grab your phone, crack an eye, fight the blinding screen and dig in. You’ve got work to do. A smarter person would have started this process last night before you passed out, but if you got wrecked proper, you should be lucky you even made it home with your phone, let alone be in any condition to see the screen and launch apps.
2. Go through call logs & texts, FB, Instagram, and Snapchat. Untag like it’s your job. Because right now, you hopefully still have one.
3. Cry it out. Better now than later when you’re on the phone trying to defend your recklessness to others.
4. Check phone for photos and videos. Delete that shit. Then delete your “Recently Deleted” folder on your iPhone. Didn’t know about that one? You’re welcome.
5. Morning calls to others in an attempt to piece together what happened are ill advised. No one wants to talk yet. Just sit by your scared self and think about what you’ve done. Make calls after noon. Plus you don’t have enough info yet to talk to anyone.
6. Now you can tend to stomach pains and your headache.
10. Church up if you can get out of the house. It’s not that we’re bent on religion as a way out of your mess, but it can’t hurt.
11. Time to call the friends you were with last night. Start the conversation with, “Hey what’s up?” Then shut up and listen.
12. Deny and demand proof.
If you have ever come to a Too White Crew show and wondered why there was a table full of O.G’s on stage whose only contribution to the show was to take up space on the stage, wonder no more. Behold, TWC’s Extremely Worthless Posse:
So let’s break it down. When you blow up, you gotta take care of your homies. That’s the law. Your posse was with you when you were making beats in your momses’ basement – before your game was so large that you need help carrying it. And you can’t forget em now. You gotta give em a taste and let them come along for the ride. In exchange, they do some trivial shit to earn their keep — shield you from hood rats, score your weed for you, line up the freaks to come back to the hotel, pack heat, bodyguard, keep the rims clean and make sure your real woman can’t find you.
Now, that’s the way it’s supposta work.
Not Too White Crew’s posse. The Extremely Worthless Posse don’t do shit. They think their only job is to show up and drink everything in sight — all while playing dominoes, shootin’ dice, smoking Philly Blunts and taking up valuable real estate on our stage. In fact, they don’t even know there’s a damn show going on and if they do, they’re usually spilling malt liquor on our power strips.
We actually have two “xWPosse’s” — The OG Posse and the Sutton Sutton Posse. Each one has carefully mastered the art of finding the lowest level of productivity humanly possible, then channeling that lack of energy into a black hole of bullshit and worthlessness – a black hole that has attracted world-class icons of menial existence to sit in with the Posse, like Scumbag Steve:
The reason you don’t see the xWPosse at every show is because they honestly don’t even know our schedule. None of them have internet access or a smart phone…or in some instances, even a phone. Or a car. They kinda just show up whenever they remember, drop their card table on our stage and ask us for the bottle of Hennessy.
Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Posse is on Broadway. Too White Crew’s posse is on empty.
First of all, thanks for an amazing summer! Without you fine people, we would be drinking out of 12 oz cans, singing Jessie’s Girl and crying ourselves to sleep. Instead, we get free forties of delicious Colt 45 and dance the Humpty, basically achieving all life goals.
So we’re back to the club/private/corporate world for the next 6 months, getting ready to hunker down for Chiberia that’s right around the corner. Until then, here’s where you can get jiggy wit it:
After we hit up all those loose slots at Rivers Casino tonight, we roll out to Appleton, Wisconsin for an event so big, they’re expecting over 100,000 people. So big it has its own app. So big that that Nicki Minaj’s booty looked at and said, “Dayum, you big.”
Appleton’s Octoberfest is giant. It’s also a little strange – if you’re not from Appleton. Strange cuz it shuts down at 5:30PM. We go on from 2:30PM to 5:30 so we’re actually headlining one of the FIVE stages. Why 5:30? Because people get so wrecked, the city tries to get them to bounce before shit goes down. Or at least that’s the TWC translation. But wait there’s more!
The town lights up for the Badger game at 7:00 and we’re looking for Appleton’s finest to show us the way. And by finest, we mean people with a penchant for recklessness and excessive drinking. If you qualify please let us know the spot by tweeting us at @toowhitecrew or message us on Facebook. We wanna party with you, cowboy.
This is a blog about bad decisions. Not the ones that limit your job opportunities or jeopardize your future – just the ones that make for good stories after the dust settles. Ones that serve up mystery bruises, inexplicable pics in your phone and maybe require even a round of antibiotics. Shit happens. And we want to share our love of those moments.
Here at Too White Crew, we like to provide the canvas for your bad decisions and judgment lapses. We champion the idea of helping you find new and creative ways to disappoint those who care about you.
Well this weekend, we give you two opportunities to call your parents and apologize; two chances to crack your screen or have the need to block numbers. Please don’t screw this up. Because Mondays are way more fun when they start with “You’ll never belieeeeve what I did last weekend.”
Friday night we’re at Zante Lounge in Orland Park. The ladies look so fine at Zante that the fellas get a little dressed up here too like they’re fancy, but it’s really just their way of saying, “I honestly DGAF, but I’ve gotta make it look like I’m putting in the effort.” We don’t even really need to help people behave badly here. It’s in their soul.
Then Saturday, it’s our last fest of the year on the north side! Taco Fest, like any good STD, has two stages. I’m not even sure what the other stage is but we heard it’s there and we just want it to go away. We’re at the one on Southport & Roscoe at 8:00.
Remember, deny and demand proof!
Oh yeah… and a raspy shout out to the fest’s sponsors… Sam Adams; Lakeview Chamber of Commerce; Xfinity, 101.9FM the Mix, Cupcake Vineyards, K Hits 104.3FM, Boi Magazine, 97.1 the Drive, Judge Mathis TV Show, Chiro One Wellness Centers, Sprint, Wyndham Vacation Resorts, Bluegreen Resorts, Mrs. Meyers Clean Day, Roadie, David’s Tea
This one’s gonna leave a mark. Labor Day weekend might be the official end of summer for some, but for us it’s our September show at the Peoria Riverfront. We’re taking this one so seriously that we didn’t even book a show Saturday night because we know that there is no way in hell we can shake off our Peorian hangovers in less than 24 hours.
The doors are at 7:30 down on the riverfront and we have all the usual suspects: Big D on the mic, DJ McFly on the tables, the Dopestylez Crew, Kiss-FM & Govia, our Extremely Worthless Posse, and even a Guest Fly Girl. Check out the pics from our last riverfront show on Facebook and Flickr. This sheeeit don’t lie. It’s a hot mess fo sho. Add us on Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat (@toowhitecrew) to see the stuff we don’t post on tha ‘Book!
When we dip out of the Riverfront at 11:30 PM, we are heading to Crusens on the Farm to go see our friends Mike & Joe and to drink unfathomable amounts of liquid courage. Then, it’s off to Berlin downtown to finish us off.
There. Now that oughtta do it. Let’s send summer off with a “Move b*itch, get out tha way!”
Now’s your chance! If you or someone you know is fly enough, Too White Crew is holding open auditions to be a TWC Fly Girl.
Auditions are going to be THIS SUN., August 23rd at Edgewater Fitness (1106 W. Bryn Mawr — between Sheridan & Broadway, off the Red Line) in Chicago at 4:00PM. At the audition, be prepared to both freestyle and learn some choreography. What to wear? In the words of Missy Elliott, “If you a fly gal get your nails done, get a pedicure, get your hair did.” Look like you wanna make the boys sweat. It might be helpful for you to view Fly Girl images and YouTube videos of Too White Crew so you can get a feel for the flava.
Being a TWC Fly Girl is mad fun and it pays. Our Fly Girls have gone with TWC to places like the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills, Hollywood, Las Vegas. We’ve performed at national events for Google, Microsoft, Anheuser-Busch and we have shared the stage with countless new school and old school hip hop legends – from Naughty by Nature to Nelly…Vanilla Ice to Jason Derulo. We’ve created life memories together that are priceless and we’ve got a lot more ahead of us!
To be a TWC Fly Girl it would be very helpful to be a trained dancer. Fly Girls are not just recreational dancers (view their profiles!) and they pack some big street cred. It’s a more than just knowing how to shake what cho’ momma gave ya.
A few other things:
1) Being a Fly Girl isn’t just about the dancing. It’s about helping throw a party. Please pass this around to anyone who is serious about dancing and who can make the crowd go “daaaaayomn”!
2) Don’t get it twisted. We’re the “Too White Crew” not the “All White Crew”. All ethnicities are welcome!
3) You have to be at least 18 years old and should know things like… Flavor Flav’s career began way before the Flavor of Love.
4) The schedule is flexible and not demanding.
5) If you’re interested, please email email@example.com and we’ll send you everything you need to know!
Peace & humptiness,
C-note & the Too White Crew
North side! We’re comin straiiiight atcha all weekend!
Friday night is kind of a big deal. Retro on Roscoe has extended the party to three days this year for the first time ever, and they have given the nod to Too White Crew to bring da noise Friday. Our homies the Breakfast Club light the match at 6:00 and we carry the Retro torch at 8:00. After party around the corner at the Village Tap!
Then we move southeast a lil bit Saturday for Wrigleyville SummerFest — a most interesting fest, not the least of which is because it’s hosted by the Resurrection Lutheran Church…who keeps having a hip hop tribute band wreck shop outside their crib every year. Holy Regulators! The ever-fly felines of Catfight will be clawing up the stage at 6:00. We hit at 8:00. After party TBA.
Bring the kiddos Saturday and enjoy watching us sweat through all our censoring while God’s eyes hover over our stage from the church ten feet away!